dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
