i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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