Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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