It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
soo... how was my night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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