I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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