I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
