Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
