Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
