Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
