I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
