You really coming over, don't trick.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
