I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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