if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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