Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
50% drunk capacity currently
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
