I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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