Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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