my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
