he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
