There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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