May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
