Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
