Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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