Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
