I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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