life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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