I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
