You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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