he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
