i think my tv is drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
