I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
