i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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