the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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