my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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