Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
