He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
