Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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