she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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