so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
