Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
