I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
