Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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