i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
