I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
