I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
