my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
