I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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