New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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