I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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