Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
