I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
