I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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